Well and Sky

How deep can I sink, how dark can I be.

I never perceived the infinite within myself, for I could never imagine the place of my heart as a hollow well without the bottom. I've only imagined it to be a black sky where I sat alone in the center beneath it, with starry light shining from above, showering me in flying yellow particles. But as I re-consider the two situations, I do not recognize them to be different anymore. The backgrounds are the same shade of dark, only with a slight tweak in the degree of light.

The worst fever I've had when I was little was accompanied by the memory that I suddenly jumped from my bed and stepped impatiently and anxiously on the bouncing mattress. I dreamed of an infinite room, tiled by black delineations and white marble, which constructed the four walls. There was only one exit, a door on one of eight corners. I wanted to get out so I ran to the door. But the faster I ran towards it, the further it escaped from me. I was chasing the infinity but I was chasing. I never realized the significance of the fact that with each step I took, I was closer to the infinite and impossible. All these happened in a continuous fashion, never a cease, never a break, never a rest. What resulted in my emotions was despair yet extreme degree of hope. The origin of pain was the hope I received as I became more despair chasing the door. How far could I run? How far could I reach?

The idea of the infinite is intimidating and overwhelming, for it is not part of human nature. So each time I encounter experiences of the infinite, I advance and I retreat with fear. The small fragments of advancing and retreating form the linear line of my life, which miraculously merges the pieces into a continuous line. But linearity is the amplification of circularity. What I chase after then, is what I retreat from.

So is there light in my heart? Or is it pure hollow darkness in the vacuum that sucks the light? If I say, light is darkness as darkness is light, and light gives birth to darkness as darkness gives birth to light... then I can sink no deeper, and I can be no darker because I am the hollow well and the vast shining starry sky.