My Desires

My desires cannot be appeased - partly because of the other that I desire and partly because of me.

I used to believe that I will always get what I want if my heart authentically desires it. I would then put all my energy into pursuing the other. Since the power of human's authentic determination cannot be undermined and it alone constitutes our thrusting force to live, my success would be guaranteed. However, this is merely a naivete of the omnipotence of my thoughts and my imagined projection of the world, because relations between two entities do not only concern with me but also the other, the other as an absolute exterior subject. My action is nothing if the other does not respond. Obtaining the other therefore does not depend on the quantitative energy I input; it instead is a hopeful consequence of a mixture of coincidences. Such cruel rejection of my possibility. I look at the other with a powerless gaze which reflects my impotence, exposing myself before the other with all my vulnerability. Yet this is the reality. There is nothing to be done but letting time dissolve this confrontation.

Me, on the other hand, is also a confusing confused subject that I don't even understand. I do not know what I think, because my rationality cannot justify my emotions. I do not understand how I feel, because my emotions are undone by my doubts coming from rationality. I only desire. I am not a hater, not a lover, but a stranger desiring. I can't explain why I desire, why that particular other, because I am no one to judge. The ambiguities within my desire blur the other and myself. The veil on my desire is not yet lifted. But perhaps this is precisely the beauty of desiring - the hidden love for that gentle kiss of a butterfly before you fall in love with it.