Thesis.

It's time to take a pause. Under the street lights, snowflakes were getting heavier. They fell, and fell. Nonstop.

Recently I resumed my thesis project, and as I dug deeper into the question, I became 1. intimidated by how much I do not know 2. annoyed by how broad yet so obviously simple the argument is. I couldn't find a point where I can cut into the problem, and I couldn't stop reading different commentators' interpretations. I simply wanted a correct understanding of Schopenhauer's philosophy and a perfect outline where my analysis is placed at the right place.

This desire is quite an addiction. I was very engulfed in other people's readings and no matter how much I read, it never seemed enough. Points do connect to each other and I do understand. However, it is an infinite web weaved by infinite dots. I was never satisfied for I was never on the side of the "truth." I put off my writing because I didn't want to start imperfectly.

I became so frustrated at myself working on this project that I questioned why I was writing it. I was so into answering the question that I missed the big picture. My thesis seemed not to be a meaningful substance but a game of words. Tell me, why, does the problem of epistemology matter? Why do we care about if subjective knowledge corresponds to the metaphysical truth? Why does the inconsistency in Schopenhauer's system need to be addressed? I tried very hard to survey the history of philosophy and consequently obtain an original response to these questions. I have not forgotten, what I had made myself promised at the very beginning of the project, that is, never gave up my position and lost my "consciousness" in answering the problem. Remember who you are and the world you are in.

I knew all along my procrastination was a problem and my addiction was pathological, but I was not brave enough to take on the challenge of confronting it. Then today, my prof said, you are ready to write. I heard the sentence but I couldn't quite process the information. Yes, yes, I know, and I should. Emm.

Don't think too much. Don't live a life that is not like a life. I shall use the prime hours in the early morning to force thoughts out and research at night. Let the sleeping consciousness do the business. A brand new start.