立春

Spring began yesterday. I was in New York and the wind was unexpectedly cold. The glittering lights of the buildings mocked the lingering of winter. A particular coldness sharpened the bone.

I was just getting out of a dizziness. The warmth inside the restaurant choked me, and I just finished an ice cream. Tiramisu flavor, something I would not try on a normal day. But the 70% dark chocolate was not thick enough. At the same time, my stomach was protesting any food from entering.

It was an illusion. A city reached by a 5-hour bus ride. On my way to New York, I watched the sky turning blue from the whitish gray, from the glass ceiling of the double-deck bus. For the first time I didn't put on music. The white noise made perfect sense to me. No rhythm, but a constant banging that soothed my mind.

It was a spontaneous trip. I decided to go the night before, because Boston became undealable. The same places triggered the memories to poke me from everywhere that I had nowhere to hide. I have gained energy from the killer winter wind in Boston. The harsh cutting on the face cut into the heart.

I was not able to cry. Tears didn't drop as I wish they would. A stuttered brain, fractured eyesight - the sequelae of winter indulgence. That was the moment when I realized that I had to warm myself.

Spring arrived. Indulgence is not for dallying. Somehow I need to take my steps.